On Friday I became ‘official’ with some friends here. The rule we decided on was that once you’ve hung out outside of class and off campus you qualify for official friendship. That should be a good thing, yeah? But then at lunch I quoted How I Met Your Mother and got blank stares. Later, talking to a friend from a new church I quoted Shane Claiborne. Crickets. So I tried Propaganda. Now it’s getting awkward.
Don’t get me wrong. I like having friends. But there are two kinds of lonely, I think. The first kind is what I did for awhile. The kind where you’re going to Starbucks and just sitting because you will go crazy without background noise. When you can go all day without seeing a familiar face. I’m coming out of that kind of lonely. I have some friends, I have some people I recognize, I do some social things. But I’m starting to feel the second kind of lonely.
I’m waiting to be known. I’m waiting for a group of people who will allow me ranting about the flaws of the church to pass as Bible study (I really loved that MC). I’m waiting for people who decide that maybe Jesus was serious. Who realize that maybe He meant at least most of the things that He said. I’m waiting for people to understand that it makes me exhausted when people care more about their dog than the homeless man on the corner. That think loving your enemies and turning the other cheek probably precludes killing them, and that Jeremiah 29:11 almost never means what we want it to mean. At the very least I’m waiting for people who understand that I feel strongly about this stuff.
For now I have friends I can text with cynical outbursts and I have the promise of visiting Waco again in a couple of weeks. I think I need the reminder that I didn’t get this way alone. My opinions and values were shaped by my community (because I definitely didn’t develop them here) and that means two things:
1) there are people out there who get it. They just aren’t in my zip code right now
2) I’m going to change here. Not that I’m unhappy with the way I feel about things now, but it would be really stupid to assume that I won’t learn things here that shape me. That will involve building relationships and being known.
so yay truth knowledge. And thank you, for being the people who have seen the worst of me and (for the most part) thought the best of me. You are keeping me going right now.