If we’ve met we’ve probably talked about myers-briggs. Not a secret: I think it’s pretty accurate and I’ve probably either asked you for your type or tried to figure it out in my head. I’m an ENFP, thanks for asking. It’s funny, too, because my closest friends are an island of types that are a bit more…logical? Grounded? Sane? Whichever you prefer I suppose. I got a book recently called Please Understand Me that talks about how different types relate to each other, and I discovered this about myself…apparently I’m quite dramatic (gasp. What a shock). I’m the type of person for whom every life occurrence is life and death important and requires a manic emotion of some sort. Because *meaning* *significance* *irrationality*. Sometimes it’s that I’m so giggly I have to wait outside when we go into someplace fancy and other times it’s that I need to scream for twenty minutes for no good reason. The reason it’s good that my friends are a bit more…rational…for the most part is that I’m not sure it doesn’t take every single one of them to handle the amount of crisis I create in my brain. I can’t take a five minute bathroom break without encountering something massively wonderful, hilarious, or devastating. That’s how I roll, y’all. This is a belated shout out to the folks in my life who have gotten used to hearing about my daily ‘adventures’ with a raised eyebrow and a plaintive…”okay but…perspective” Or like my mom said “you handle little daily stuff without much problem but you seem to have more crises per month than anyone I have ever met”.
I’m that way about a lot of things. God being one of the big ones. It’s all deep revelation and intense separation and searing doubt and blazing conviction. This weekend it was a lot of the doubt and despair part. And after wailing and gnashing my teeth a bit, I got some good advice. I’m not sure I took it exactly as it was intended, but…this sentence “There are no hypotheticals with God, and we can trust him even when we’re not sure what’s happening to us.”. Okay like…just whoa. Hypotheticals are 80% of how I deal with God. What if this happened and how could you have almost let that happen and you protected me from this maybe happening and what if I were to do this tomorrow and…just whoa.
I wrote a letter to a friend last January in which I said “I want you to tell me that the darkness is as light to Him who loves me (quoting Psalm 139) but I know I wouldn’t believe you. I want you to tell me anyway.” I forgot, or maybe I never knew, that pesky thing that the rationals are always asking me to please use…perspective.
From where God is things look different. From where God is I’m complete. Outside of time, the dark and the light start to blend together to become just…the way I went. And here. Now is the only second that I can interact with eternity. I think I make too much of the might have been. I think I try to pound oceans of meaning out of all the things God didn’t do or seemed to do sloppily. I think I get a little dramatic.
I’m still in progress on this. I’m still figuring out how to not hold stuff against God. In the meantime I am FINALLY WORKING IN THE CLINIC AGAIN AND I LOVE IT. I was burned out on school already, and I wanted to just quit. But seeing these kids again brings me back. Also, to reiterate, I really love the people I’ve gotten to know at school. SO MUCH. I really love getting to see other friends. SO MUCH. church is in progress and it’s weird still but…perspective. In the king of all melodramatic texts, one I sent this week “It kinda feels like the end of a lot of things”. and now we step back from the ledge. If there are no hypotheticals with God, then this is where I’m supposed to be. He would not send me here for three years with no plan for my spiritual development. Deep breaths. The ultimate perspective? I am not currently dissecting a cadaver’s eyeball, nor will I ever have to do so again. Small victories.